Co sleeping is sleeping with your baby or older children in the same room. This can be in the same bed or in different beds. Some people have a crib or playpen they use in their bedroom. I've done every variation, including blankets, pillows, and kids all over the bedroom floor.
Despite debate on if it's safe, weird, or even practical there is mounds of proof that co sleeping is normal and done since the beginning of time. In fact early this year the AmericanAcademy of Pediatrics issued a press release of its revised breastfeeding recommendations. They now recommend mothers sleep in the same proximity as their infants for at least the first 6 months to encourage breastfeeding! This is a huge step toward changing the myth that babies should be trained to sleep alone or be kept on strict feeding schedules, where an infant isn't even allowed to eat during the night.
Why do I sleep with my baby?
Because I want to. For me that's how it started anyway.
There is something very unique about becoming a mother at a young age. You still have some parts of you that are just a tad bit rebellious. So when people told me I'd spoil my baby and gave me a look of warning, I laughed it off and did what I wanted.
When I had my first baby I couldn't stand to be away from her! And I ignored every piece of ignorant selfish advice that I'd spoil her and she'd grow up to be clingy and "spoiled". Honestly during those first months I could not for one second defend my choice to co sleep, but I did it anyway. It felt so natural and so right. I listened to her needs and met them always. I started calling how I parented "instinctual parenting," and later learned there were tons of parents all over the world who treated their children the way I did. In America it soon became more known as attachment parenting.
Much too often people expect to mold their children into their schedule. Infants are put on feeding and sleeping schedules, put in Daycare's, and are made further more convenient for parents with plastic diapers, baby swings and formula.
A baby shouldn't be made to sleep alone, confused as to why their most basic needs aren't being met. A baby whose needs are met on demand grow up loving the attention and attachment they have with their parents. Co sleeping creates a special trusting bond between parents and child that can last a lifetime. We all crave the warmth and friendliness of other people. Babies need to know you are there. It's primal.
Real proof sleeping with your baby is good
People are just now beginning to understand the complex nature and benefits of co sleeping. One of the biggest benefits is that a infant synchronizes his or her breathing patterns with that of the mother. The presence of the mothers breath actually helps babies breath better. Throughout the night babies and mothers reach for each other for reassurance that the other is there and that all is safe. It is an amazing a beautiful thing. Dr Sears has a good article on co sleeping here that touches on some of these points as well as some personal experiences.
Will they ever sleep alone?
I don't know of any 16 year old children that sleep with their parents. Children will move into their own beds when not pushed. I remember when Charlotte at three years old started to independently want to sleep in her own bed. Three to four is pretty average.
A child will often times move into their own bed by age four, but may want to return to their parent's bed temporarily in the event of something traumatic (separation, divorce, house fire, bad dream) or sometimes just to know that they can. (Charlotte instantly wanted back in my bed when her biological father left. And she was welcomed back with love!)
Is Co-Sleeping For Everyone?
Co sleeping is necessary for small infants, and as I stated above is now recommended by the AAP. Families are all very different and you should do some thinking about what works best for your family. This is an ever-changing process. I've gone from co sleeping with one child, to two, to none, to four and then back to only one again. Creating a loving, nurturing home for everyone is an always evolving process.
I had one baby, my son Sage, who co slept with me until he was 6 months old. After that he just cried in my bed. I tried a side sleeper and he still woke often (didn't want to nurse) and fussed. If I laid him in another room alone he slept contently. He'd wake up during the night once or twice, nurse and want to be put back down. I hated this, I don't want to get out of bed to nurse! But I complied with what he needed and adjusted accordingly. I put a playpen in my living room located on the other side of my bedroom wall so that he was as close as he could be.
Many years later I went on to have a have a high needs baby. Layla simply could not be comfortable unless I was holding her and sleeping with her. She has a totally different personality than any of my other children. She almost always refused to sleep if I put her down. Her needs are what they are and I knew she was only little for a short time. She was 18 months old before she could restfully sleep without me for even a nap.
It is important to research co sleeping and to talk to other families. Remember that in most cases children should choose to move to their own bedrooms at their own rate, pushing them too hard can make them feel abandoned. Many families also have sibling's co sleep with each other.
Currently our kids ages 10, 7, 7 and 2 all share a "sleeping room". Our newest baby sleeps with us in our bed and in a side sleeper (play pen). Our two year old finds her way into our room late at night and we often times make a floor bed for her when our bed just seems a little too crowded.
Crying it out
Crying it out is a method of sleep training. The idea is to start sleep training a baby sometimes as young as four weeks old. The goal is that the baby can put him or herself to sleep, and often times stay down for the night. Babies who are sleep trained are literally left alone for hours as they cry themselves to sleep. After a few days or weeks the crying lessens from a couple hours to an hour, then to a hour to a half hour, until finally when you lay your baby down he or she has no ounce of hope that you will ever pick them up. This is convenience parenting and does the child absolutely no good. Children who are put to bed this way usually fall asleep from pure exhaustion from crying and screaming, not from being tired and needing restful sleep.
There are some infants and children that vomit and diarrhea from being so upset. There was a mother I saw once on a parenting message board that posted that she finally got her baby to sleep after he screamed for 3 hours. She was posting on this message board because she wanted to know if she should wake the baby to clean up the vomit and diarrhea in the crib and all over the baby.
This practice is barbaric and disgusting. I can't actually believe a mother could let her child scream themselves sick. The only way a baby can communicate with you is through crying. It is primal and necessary for survival. Instinctively a baby knows his or her survival depends on its mother. When you as a mother do not answer the cries and discomforts of your young you are making your baby suffer needlessly, and telling him or her you are not there.
Babies will grow so quickly, rocking them or nursing them to sleep every night will not last forever. One day you will ache at the chance to do it again.
"Adult Time"
There are varying opinions on this subject and many ask, what about sex?
I once read that people that co sleep don't focus on sex because they can't, and this is a good thing because it teaches people that they shouldn't think of sex is a part of restful sleep. I think that notion is ridiculous, and hope if you've also read that before it didn't turn you off to co sleeping. Sex is very important and couples should have a close intimate relationship. It's healthy and instinctual to want to be intimate.
So when do you find the time when you co sleep?
Younger babies in a separate sleeper (side bed, play pen or crib in the room) don't know the difference if mom and dad are making love on the bed. Older youngsters can be moved temporarily to another room or let to fall asleep in a sibling's room. Older kids? No problem. We've moved them around to. We've moved them into their own rooms, or in the living room, and later in the night they usually just get back up and quietly move back onto the bedroom floor or bed. Of course there are always other options like you and your partner being playful in kitchens, bathrooms, showers, and the guest bedroom. The couch works well too.
People that co sleep still can have comfortable and passionate lives; it's only a little while that children are young! Soon the days of sneaking around to make love will be long behind you. And it's really only sneaking around some of the time. We never really had it be a problem. At one time we had three children in floor beds on our bedroom floor, ages 4-7, it can be done. I like being in my own bed, and yes the prep work of having sex when you have kids in the room is not exactly ideal, but honestly it's for such a short time.
Who says co sleeping is unsafe?
The national campaign to warn parents not to sleep with their babies is co sponsored by the Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association (JPMA). The JPMA is an association of crib manufacturers.
Safety Tips
There is little chance that baby will roll off the bed if mom is there next to the baby. Babies seek out heat from mother and snuggle up close to her for warmth and protection. Mothers are usually very aware of their baby when they sleep. Some fathers are not as sensitive. Usually after a month or so fathers will develop a keen awareness of their baby, it sometimes just doesn't come as quickly as moms does.
Don't sleep with your baby if you are under the influence of drugs, alcohol or any substance that could diminish your awareness of your baby.
Don't sleep with baby on soft surfaces, such as beanbags, water beds and couches.
Avoid crevices between mattress and wall or mattress and side rail.
Avoid side rails, head-boards and foot-boards that have slats that could entrap baby's head.
Avoid putting your bed near curtains or blinds that have dangling strings that could strangle baby.
Don't allow older siblings to sleep with a baby under nine months.
Don't overheat or over bundle baby. Your body is a heat source.
Thearms reach co sleeping crib or just a playpen next to the bed can be of great help to your family also. Even if rarely used it gives you an option, as well as safe place for baby to be if ever needed.
Update 8/9/07: We have found a floor bed made with a sponge "egg-crate" and blankets is soft and cozy for our newest baby Penelope. She is 9 months old and prefers the floor to the side sleeper. When not in bed with me she's just an arms reach away on her bed next to mine.
